The Trials and Travails of Jean Valjean
by technicolor-werewolf
Summary: Previously/concurrently published on Deviant Art as "Influenza! the Musical" - a parody of the musical lyrics..."Valjean wasn't really in prison for nineteen years. He was just laid up with the flu, and Javert was his super-strict doctor."
1. Prologue And Hospital Song

Prologue: The Hospital Song

_Open in large hospital room. Two lines of _PATIENTS_ lie helpless in beds on either side of the stage.  
_

PATIENTS: _Coughing in time _Ha-rumph, ha-rumph, ha-ruuuuuumph, ha-rumph, ha-rumph, ha-ruuuuuumph.

Look down, look down, just cough and sneeze and sigh,

Look down, look down, and hope that you don't die.

PATIENT #1: The med'cine's strong, it horrifies me so,

PATIENTS: Look down, look down, there's twelve more weeks to go.

PATIENT #2: I'm well, I swear! Sweet Jesus, let them see!

PATIENTS: Yeah, see 'f you can get a miracle for me.

PATIENT #3: I know she'll wait! I know that she'll be true!

PATIENTS: She left you for a pharmacist last June.

PATIENT #4: When I get free, you won't see me coughing _thus!  
_

PATIENTS: Look down, look down, don't try to rant and rave,

Look down, look down, they'll put you in a grave.

DOCTOR JAVERT_ enters between the rows of beds, consulting a medical chart.  
_

JAVERT: Now bring me Patient 24601! Your time is up and your probation's begun!

You know what that means!

VALJEAN: Yes, it means I'm free!

JAVERT: _Scribbles out prescription and tears it out with a flourish_ NO!

It means you get your pink prescription of leave –

You are still sick!

VALJEAN: Look at me, I'm well!

JAVERT: You're a danger to the public!

VALJEAN: I just forgot to get my flu shot!

I had to watch my sister's kids,

And I was busy at work!

JAVERT: You'd never work again if I had my way!

VALJEAN: What a waste of time, those nineteen weeks

A slave to your law.

JAVERT: Five weeks for the initial illness,

The rest because you relapsed again, yes, 24601.

VALJEAN: My name is Jean Valjean!

JAVERT: And I'm Doctor…JAVERT! Do not forget my name

Do not forget your medicine, 24601…


	2. Valjean is Freed

Valjean is Freed

VALJEAN: Freedom is mine! I'm out of doors…

I can breathe again, and my nose clears!

I'm immensely happy!

_uses a public water fountain_ Drink from the fountain…how clean the taste!

Never forget bottled water…what a waste…

Nor forgive them for what they've done,

Locking me up, away from the sun!

The day begins, and now let's see

What healthy life looks like for me!

_Obviously during his protracted illness he has lost his job, but he finds work in another office_.

BOSS: You'll have to go, I guess I'll give you some pay,

But clear out your desk now, and be on your way.

VALJEAN: You've given me half what the other men get,

This lousy check won't even cover my bus ticket!

BOSS: You've had the flu, it's there for people to see –

The rest of us would like to stay flu-free.

_VALJEAN must leave the office._

VALJEAN: And now I know how freedom feels,

The CDC always at your heels, it is the law…

This damned prescription in my hand that makes me cursed throughout the land, it is the law!

Like a leper, I walk the street, cast out by all I meet.

BISHOP: Come in, sir, for you are weary, and it's dangerous out there,

For a man who's had 'fluenza, for nobody seems to care.

There is wine here to revive you, chicken soup to make you strong,

Here's a bed to rest til morning, that's the end of my song.

VALJEAN: He let me eat my fill, like no one has in years,

He let me use his plates, I should be brought to tears,

Since I first got that flu, I've always been cast out,

And yet he welcomed me.

The old fool welcomed me, his good deed for the day.

I should be grateful yet I know these people's ways.

He only did it for the tax credit he'll earn,

I'll teach him all right, else he'll never learn!

_VALJEAN sneaks into the BISHOP's bedroom, intending to cough on him, but settles for coughing all over his belongings before leaving_.


	3. Valjean ArrestedValjean Forgiven

_The next week the BISHOP'S SISTER comes down with the flu. After questioning the BISHOP on the matter, two CONSTABLES find VALJEAN and drag him back._

CONSTABLES: Tell his Reverence your story,

Let us see if he's impressed.

You were lodging here last week,

You were the honest Bishop's guest.

It was no fault of your own

That his dear sis's got the flu,

You've been on your medication,

And you're quite clean

BISHOP: That is true.

But my friend, you left so early,

Surely something slipped your mind.

iHe hands VALJEAN a bottle of pills and a heavy coin purse./i

You forgot this in your hurry,

Could you leave this all behind?

So Messieurs, you may release him,

For this man has spoken true,

I commend you for your duty,

May you never get the 'flu.

_The CONSTABLES leave and VALJEAN is left alone with the BISHOP._

But remember this, my brother:

You must stick to your doctor's plan,

You must use these meds and silver

To become a healthy man.

By the witness of the martyrs,

Those who died coughing up blood,

God has freed you from your sickness,

I have saved your soul for God!


	4. What Have I Done?

_Heeey, I'm back! Sorry for the long delay. I haven't had the flu in three years and so my muse sort of wandered off...but I've had a terrible cold for the past week, and I might have caught my boyfriend's strep throat, so...um...well, my loss, your gain! The world may no longer be in an uproar over the World-Ending Swine Flu of Doom, but I hope this still hits close enough to home to be funny._

Valjean: What have I done? Sweet Jesus, what have I done?

Become a vector for disease! A flea, a rat, on the run!

Have I fallen so far, and is my prognosis so grave

That no man may come near me, no matter how brave?

I cry in the dark, but nobody hears! It's not like you can be infected by my tears…

If there's another way to go, I missed it twenty long weeks ago.

My life was great, but now it looks like I'm done, they gave me a number and murdered Valjean

When they dosed me and left me for dead, and gave me nothing to eat but stale br_ead._

_Cue violins._

Valjean: Yet why did I allow that man to give me back those meds I need?

He treated me like any other…he gave me my health, he called me brother.

My life he says I'm free to live – could such a thing be?

For I have come to hate the world, this world that suddenly hates me.

Take an eye for an eye! Cough and sputter at will!

This is all I have lived for! They say this flu can kill!

One word from him and I'd be back...

Beneath those lights, upon my back.

Instead he offers me my freedom,

While ev'ry muscle aches tonight.

He told me that I can be whole,

How does he know?

What new cure comes to move my life?

Is there another way to go?

_cue dramatic synthesizer_

I am reaching, but I fall _(coughs)_

And the doctor haunts me still

And I stare into the void

To the space no meds can fill

I'll escape now from that world,

From the world of Jean Valjean!

Jean Valjean is nothing now -

A flu-free story must begin!


End file.
